Danny Amor's Online Library/Danny Amor's Online Library - Volume 1.iso/html/startrek/old-incomplete/visittoaverywierdplanet.p1-5

Text File | 1995-08-20 | 22KB | 530 lines

Visit to a Very Wierd Planet(with due  apologies to many writers...)

The last words Captain Jean-Luc Picard had going through his mind during trans-
port were from his "Number One," Commander William Riker.  "This is a high
breach of Starfleet regulation, Sir," Riker had said with his characteristic
mix of concern and sarchasm.  However, Captain Picard had opted tohead the
landing party to Organelus, the planet with the 24th Century technology, but
having only 20th Century emotional development.

So, as one of the Federation's most trusted Captains (who also was one of the
most successful negotiators), Captain Picard was ordered to advise two waring
factions of Organelian governmenton how to use their own methods of govern-
to the best interests of both sides of the conflict.  After all, the leaders
of the planet were fueding, but not stupid.  In fact, they had specifically
requested the assistance of Captain Picard and his chief officers...especially
Dr. Beverly Crusher, Counselor Deanna Troi, and Lt. Commander Data.

However, this group of high-trained and experienced Starfleet officers had no
training for what was about to occur.  But, to better explain the total expanse
of what was to happen,  let's go from the StarTrek universe, to our universe.

On 20th Century Earth, on the continent known as North America, in the state
known as California, there is an entertainment production center in the city
of Los Angeles, on a street known as Melrose Avenue.

On a stage at the Paramount Studios, four actors were about to film a scene
in for an episode of a science fiction show called, "Star Trek: The Next Gener-
ation."  The scene was fairly routine and straight-forward, as the actors just
had to walk up to an elevated part of the set and stand for a few moments.
Another actor wouldact as though he was at the controls of some device.
Ordinarily, the director would yell "cut" after a few seconds, a bell would
ring, and the actors would walk away from the set and then get ready for the
next scene.  But, this time would prove to be far from ordinary...
PART 2

At the Paramount Studio, no one would notice, but in downtown Los Angeles where
the studio was located, the electric power switched polarities for a fraction
of a split second.  In the studio, the lights dimmed briefly. The "beamming"
effect, which would later be added to the film which was just shot, actually
occurred. Gates McFadden was the first to realize that something had happened.

MCFADDEN: Whoa...what happened?

O'BRIEN: We had a momentary power surge, Doctor, and the auto-interrupt cycle
kicked in...Captain, I'd like to take the transporters off-line and do a Level-
Two Diagnostic, Sir.  I can make at least one transporter available to you
hopefully within the hour.

Even though Stewart had trained as a Shakespearian actor, the ensuing reality
of this situation put his acting talents to the test.

STEWART: Very good, Chief...make it so (he added with hesitation).  If the
three of you will follow me to the briefing room, we will strategize  where
we need to go from here.

Marina Sirtis was the first to follow the lead.

SIRTIS: Captain, I feel that Dr. Crusher should examine us for "Transporter
Psychosis," just in case...

As the group exited the room, Brent Spinner observed that the walls whichwere
usually removed for the cameras were quite solid and immovable.  This discovery
made his laugh outloud.

O'BRIEN: Mr. Data, are you all right, Sir?

SPINNER: (noticing the perception of his laughter by an apparently real
"O'Brien")  Thank you for your concern, Chief, however, I was attempting to
demonstrate the human usage of 'situational irony' which occurs in human beings
when a situation provides cognitive dissonance in response to 'typical' behav-

O'BRIEN: Ah, Sir...I was just curious if you were having difficulties in your
functioning.

Spinner attempted to attempt a look of being "curious," as his character would
in response to being stiffled from providing a complete explaination of his
functioning or knowledge...an action which happend at least once an episode,
he noted with a new sense of irony.

After stepping on the doors which "whooshed" open on their own accord,  the
actors made sure no one from the "real" crew of the Enterprise was watching,
and then addressed a computer "Com Panel."

STEWART: Computer-

COMPUTER: Working-

SIRTIS: It's Majel Barrett Roddenberry-

SPINNER: That's incorrect, Counselor...it's a synthetic voice which only
appears to sound like her.

MCFADDEN: Not bad, Brent, but watch the contractions.

STEWART: (to Spinner) And the dangling attributions...BAD grammer, Yellow Eyes.
(to Computer) Computer, lead to nearest Briefing Room, please.

The computer flashed arrows along the walls of the corridor to a turbolift, and
to a room on two decks lower which read "Briefing Room - Floor 31."

STEWART: Well, what do we-

SPINNER: Pat, now that we're in her, cut the android-stuff, all right?

STEWART: Sorry, Brent, but I couldn't resist.  It's just that this is so REAL.

SIRTIS: You're telling me.  These people have been staring at my costume...ah,
uniform since we came in here...on board....whatever.  It's starting to give me
the creeps.

Suddenly, there's a flash of light, and Q appears.

Q: If you really want the creeps, look at Mon Capitan's uniform...that sucker
really creeps up on him.

STEWART: Q, we're not-

Q: Who I really think you are, right, Stewart?  You're as awfully plodding and
pendantically boring as the character you play on television. (Q gets up to
move around.)  Oh, yes...I know who you really are. (Q stands between Sirtis
and McFadden, looks at Sirtis chest and alternately at McFadden's hair.)  Is it
real, or is it the wig of the week and the latex wonder?

GATES: Q, you really are a snotty, sexist egotist.

Q: Thank you, my dear, and I really do love your hair.  It looks almost as real
as Marina's pair of...earrings (he adds with a hint of playfulness).

SPINNER: I don't suppose you came to discuss our...talents...(the women look
momentarily angry), did you, Q?

Q: Not really, Brent, my boy, when your talents include acting like a tin-
plated robot.  Oh, Patty...LOVED the Shakespeare, though Caligula is more MY
style.

STEWART: Thanks.

Q: But, never mind.  Another day for pleasantries.  I have a little challenge
for you.  (Looks uncomfortable.)  Aren't you going to cut in, Patrick, after
all, YOUR the one who specidalizes in soliloquies?

STEWART: In my craft, I learned that one should always let the director speak.

Q: I think I like you better than Picard, Patrick.At any rate, here's the
bargain: you four merely assume your roles in this universe, assist whatever
the hell-the-group-is-that-needs-your-help-this-week, and I'll return you and
your counter-parts to your respective universes with no one the worse.It'll
be just like all those alternate universe stories floating around, in fact
really similar to that short story in which the actors on the old show were
put into the this universe.  But, this time...it's not a dream.  Because, if
you don't live up to MY expectations of YOUR actionsand behaviors, I MIGHT
decide to make this little arrangement PERMANENT.  Imagine: a Betazoid with
no empathic abilities, a robot who's not, a doctor who's a quack, and a
captain who can't really command.  More of a sit-com, than an adventure series,
wouldn't you say...

Q flashes out, and the story continues...
When we left our friends last time, they were given an ultimatum by Q in that
they were to act as their counter-parts in the Star Trek Universe and assist
the Organelians...or else, be doomed to live their lives out in that universe
as frauds. The story now jumps to the planet Earth in OUR universe.  We now see
what happens when the REAL Captain Picard, Dr. Crusher, Counselor Troi and
Lt. Data find themselves aboard a fake Enterprise on the Paramount lot...

After the lights blinked and the "transporter effect" occured, the director's
jaw dropped to reveal open-mouthed shock.

DIRECTOR: Are you all right, guys?

The real Picard started to speak, but Counselor Troi stopped him.

TROI: Captain, this is not the Enterprise.

DATA: That is correct, Counselor.  We are in the midst of a clever, albeit
partial reconstruction of Transporter Room Three.

The assistant director came up and started laughing.

A.D.: Brent, it's cool...you can drop the Data bit...we're not shooting.(to a
technician nearby): Kelly, were you running a lighting test, just now?

KELLY: No.  Standard lighting.

A woman crept up from the shadows behind the camera and whispered to the
director.

DIRECTOR: The four of you will follow Mrs. Roddenberry to the Bridge Set for a
little chat.

Confused, but obliging, the four Starfleet officers followed Majel Barrett
Roddenberry, widow of the series creator, Gene Roddenberry, to an adjoining
area of the cavernous soundstage and into the Bridge Set.

PICARD: Mrs. Roddenberry, I presume.  I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard.  With me
is Dr. Beverly Crusher, Counselor Deanna Troi, and Lt. Commander Data.

MRS. R.: Patrick, what in heavens name are you doing?  I know it's been a busy
week, but...

TROI:  She doesn't believe you, Captain.  She believes we are someone else.

MRS. R.: Handsomely paid actors in a top-ranked syndicated show, Marina.
What are you going to say next, that I look like your mother...

TROI: The thought had occured to me-

DATA: Perhaps, I could be of some assistance to aid you in deciding who we
are, Mrs. Roddenberry.

Data proceeds to take off his head, and Mrs. Majel Barrett Roddenberry promptly
passes out in a dead faint.  Dr. Crusher races to catch her as Data reattaches
his head.  Dr. Crusher begins scanning Mrs. Roddenberry.

TROI: Captain, Mrs. Roddenberry did not expect Data to be able to remove his
head.  She was momentarily feightened.

CRUSHER: Actually, Deanna, low-level shock and a drop in blood pressure...she
fainted, Captain.She'll be all right, but I'll give her a hypospray of a
small concentration of Ritalian.

Dr. Crusher hypos Mrs. Roddenberry, who revives.

MRS. R.: What was that?

DATA: What are you referring to, when you inquire about "that?"

TROI: You fainted when you say Mr. Data remove his head.

CRUSHER: And, I gave you a weak stimulant to revive you more quickly.

MRS. R.: Glad I've never done drugs...

Mrs. Roddenberry tries to rub Data's face, attempting to remove "make-up,"but
when she cannot, she momentarily recoils.

MRS. R.: It's true...oh, Gene would of been so thrilled.  He loved those alter-
nate universe stories.

PICARD: Where are we?

Mrs. Roddenberry begins to tell them about Star Trek, and they begin to piece
together the fact that their fictional universe in which they are REAL, has
somehow mixed with our real universe in which they are FICTIONAL.  But, it will
be easy for trained Starfleet officers to act as actors portraying themselves.

It will not be so easy for actors to act as trained Starfleet officers...

MCFADDEN: So we have to be who these people think we are.  (She gets up.)
Patrick, I'm not comfortable with this at all.

SIRTIS: I think this will be kind of fun-

MCFADDEN: Fun, Marina, your Counselor Troi will be totally clueless, I know
nothing about medicine, and Brent here is more than a few transistors short
of being a robot.

SPINNER: It is "microcircuits" and "android," Doctor.

MCFADDEN: What-

SPINNER: The correct phrase might be that I am more than a few microcircuits
short of being an android, Doctor.

MCFADDEN sits down miffed, as Spinner breaks into laughter.  Soon, Sirtis and
Stewart are joining in.Suddenly, the door opens and Commander Riker steps in.

RIKER: I didn't mean to interrupt, Captain, but the Organelian planetary
leaders are waiting for the away team's visit so that mediation can begin.

STEWART: Understood, Number One.  Counselor, since we have not formulated a
plan of action yet that I am fully satisfied with, I would like you to prepare
a revision of our options with Commander Riker.

SPINNER: Captain, I wish to be excused to my quarters to perform a routine
self-diagnostic.

RIKER: Shall I have Geordi join you to assist, Mr. Data?

SPINNER: That won't be nec-

Everyone is shocked to hear a contraction from "Data."

SPINNER: That WILL NOT be necessary; however, I will perform an enhanced
diagnostic on my linguistic processing units, Commander.  Your concern is
appreciated.

MCFADDEN: Well, I guess I'll go to Sick Bay, CAPTAIN...surely there'ssomething
I can do there.

Gates McFadden leaves, and Riker moves sits next to Stewart.

RIKER: Is there something the matter, Captain?

STEWART: No...I just wish I had a script, Number One...that's all...just a
script.

Marina Sirtis giggles, and Riker looksat her and smiles.Riker gets up to
leave, and exits.  Sirtis gets up and says:

SIRTIS: Maybe you'd rather have a Pontiac so you could just drive out of here.

Stewart groans, and Sirtis smiles and kisses him on his head.

SIRTIS: This isn't Shakespeare in the park, Pat...this is Q.

Q flashes in.

Q: And, don't either one of your forget it.
Path: newserv.ksu.ksu.edu!moe.ksu.ksu.edu!hobbes.physics.uiowa.edu!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!cs.utexas.edu!asuvax!asuacad!icsch
Organization: Arizona State University
Date: Tuesday, 2 Mar 1993 19:51:34 MST
From: <[e-mail]>
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Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Subject:    STORY: Visit to a REALLY Wierd Planet, Part Four
Lines: 59

When we last left our friends, Mrs. Majel Barrett Roddenberry, widow of Gene
Roddenberry, the creator of the Star Trek universe was made privy to the fact
that four of her actors from the series have been somehow replaced by their
actual counterparts.  And back in the Star Trek universe, Q has helped the
actors integrate into their new "roles."

MRS. RODDENBERRY: Well, Captain, what are we going to do with you folks?

DATA: Mrs., Roddenberry, if I might provide some insight.  We cannot remain
as actors in this entertainment.  We are needed aboard the Enterprise in our
universe.

PICARD: How do you suppose we can get back, Mr. Data?

DATA: I do not know, Sir.  But, such an inter-dimensional tranfer would take
a large expenditure of energy.

MRS. RODDENBERRY: Yes, I know...in the old series, it took some big storm-or-
the-other to have Shatner...ah, Captain Kirk, and his party switch places into
a really violent universe.  You know, we loved doing that one, because we got
to exercise our acting range and be really BAAAAD.

PICARD: Q-

CRUSHER: Oh, no.

MRS. RODDENBERRY: You mean you have HIM in YOUR universe, too?

PICARD: Yes, we do.  And, Q seems to have a penchant for exercising the range
of what we can endure-

TROI: ...and, he is, as you say: "Baaaad."

DATA: The question remains, Captain, what are we to do in this universe?

MRS. Roddenberry: I have an idea...

Naturally, her idea is to make the best of this BAAAAD situation.  Captain
Picard visits a convention; Counselor Troi (which everyone thinks is really
actor, Marina Sirtis) goes on Dr. Ruth's talk show (as an 'enlightened" Marina
Sirtis); Dr. Crusher does (what the world thinks is a promotional tour) of
various hospitals ("Jean-Luc...you wouldn't BELIEVE how they treated their
patients..."); and Data gets more experience in observing humans ("I have found
that human nature does not change through time or universes, Captain, as there
are an extreme amount of sociological constants and similarities.")

"Your REAL counter-parts are doing quite well, Mon Sequitor Capitan," says Q,
flashing into the Captain's Ready-Room in the Star Trek Universe.

STEWART: What are we to do?What do you WANT?

Q: Some action, Stewart.  Action.  You know...blood and dagger.  How abouta
grand solioquy?  Or, maybe a dramatic verbal interchange?  I'm waiting,
Patrick.Maybe, this will help.

Q raises his hand, and the ship shakes.  "Red Alert...explosive hull decom-
pression imminent," is heard from the ship's computer.

"Pardon the pun, Stewart, but I think that's your cue..."

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Date: Saturday, 6 Mar 1993 22:16:07 MST
From: <[e-mail]>
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Subject: story: visit to a really wierd planet, part five
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STewart STRIDES OUT OF HIS READY ROOM and onto the bridge.

riker: captain, we are being pulled into a time-space disturbance.  decks 37,
38 and 39 forward have been compromised.  emergency bulkheads have isolated
those sections, and transporters have evacuated all personnel from the areas.

stewart: "why the hell do you guys need a captain..." stewart mused quietly.

RIKER: Sir?

Stewart: nothing, number one.  mr. data, dr. crusher, and counselor troi to
the bridge.  helm, turn off warp engines.

HELMSMAN: Sir?

STewart: ah, slow to impulse.better make that full stop.

spinner, sirtis and mcfadden enter from together from the turbolift.

stewart: doctor-

mcfadden: my staff is seeing to the injuries...mostly shock, i suppose.  (she
looks sheepish.)

stewart: bre...mr. data, are your systems operational?

Spinner: partially, captain, as most of my memory circuits are affected...
possibly by this effect which we have encountered.

riker (to comm): geordi, increase power to shields...data has been affected
by this disturbance, and other electronic systems could also be affected.

geordi (via comm): aye, aye, commander.

stewart: geordi, have damage control parties put the areas of the ship which
were hit by the affect in satisfactory condition?

geordi (via comm): if you call putting force fields on several twenty meter
holes in the outer bulkhead...i guess you could call it satisfactory condition.

sirtis: i sense an intelligence, captain.

stewart: what kind of intelligence, counselor?

q appears.

q: certainly not one you'd like to invite over to tea...captain.

stewart: q- get off of my ship.

q: my ship...my ship...captain, really.  the...counselor is correct.  she did
sense my vast and incalculatable intelligence.  but, i didn't do...this.

RIKER: then, who the hell did?

q: the planet, riker...the planet.  they're  fighting down there, and unless
captain, your robot, cheif quack and your dr. freud-in-drag get down there,
your entire ship could get torn apart in the battle.  "cry havoc and let loose
the dogs of war."  not bad, hmmm, captain.

q vanishes.

stewart: raise the planetary leaders.

WORF: yes, sir. You'll be speaking to bezarteum, planetary prefect of the
southern region.

man appears on screen.

stewart: prefect bezarteum, i am captain jean-luc picard of the united
federation of planets commanding the starship enterprise.  we have sustained
sizable damage and injury as a direct result of the battle being waged by the
powers of your planet.  i demand that you cease fire immediately and that we
begin peace negotiations.

prefect: captain, the planet organelian is mostly peaceful...it's just some
minor matters of importance between the people of my region and the people of
the northern region. it's a mere disagreement, captain, i assure you.

worf: i have seem klingon blood fueds resolved more peacefully.

STewart: prepare to have your "disagreement" arbitrated according to your
original wishes, prefect.  the federation will not interfere beyond the scope
of your original request for assistance, but with the injuries that my ship
has sustained, the urgency of our mutual action is now much more greater.

prefect: agreed, captain.  i shall await your visit with great expectations.

stewart looks slightly concerned by that literary reference.

we now cut to the prefect's office on the planet...

prefect bezarteum: no, no, no.  this requires too much of my people.  captain,
we are at philosophical odds with  the people of the northern region of this
planet.

stewart: perhaps those philosophical reasons could be best dealt with by some
form of institutional dialogue between your peoples.

prefect xaviare: my southern compatriot knows of whence he speaks, captain.
although, your idea intrigues me, as i have an open mind.

prefect bezareteum: i, too have an open mind, but-

stewart: gentleman, gentleman, please.  do you know of the earth story of
"romeo and juliet?"

mcfadden: oh, no-

sirtis: i sense a dramatic reading coming on-

spinner: ...with a high degree of probability, counselor.

stewart: at any rate, it is the story of how a boy and a girl, each from two
fueding providences, fell in love.  afraid of their parents finding out, each
killed themselves in true adolescent love, feeling that since they should not
live together freely, the only alternative would be death.

prefect xaviere: the thought had crossed my mind captain, although i find
prefect bezarteum less than, shall we say, personally attractive.

spinner: i do not believe the captain wished to personalize his story to the
degree in which you have taken it.  i believe that captain picard was trying
to make you both aware of the relative stupidity of fighting each other.  i
have found that with many species, peaceful coexistance is not only possible,
but quite frequently prefered over warfare.

sirtis: and, the federation could seen trained mediators and advisors to
continue the process.

prefect bezarteum: i'm still intrigued by the possibility ofsome way in which
to reach the populace with knowledge of peace, positivisim and cooperation.

mcfadden: gentleman, have you heard about television...

the

 last

part

is comingsoon . . .